Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
P. J. O'ROURKEA hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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No industry in living memory has collapsed faster than daily print journalism.
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As a former writer for the ‘National Lampoon,’ I’ve probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live.
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You can’t destroy America by destroying our elite. Think about America’s elite. Think about it down through history. Destroy our elite, and about half the time, you’re doing us a favor.
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Israel is slightly smaller than New Jersey. Moses in effect led the tribes of Israel out of the District of Columbia, parted Chesapeake Bay near Annapolis, and wandered for forty years in Delaware.
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Everybody is xenophobic to an extent.
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The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.
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I don’t even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I’ve never used a computer.
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The problem with public school is not overcrowding in the classroom. The problem is not teacher unions. The problem is not underfunding or lack of computer equipment. The problem is your damn kids.
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There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
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It’s better to make fun of yourself because you’ve always got someone around to make fun of, and they can’t sue you.
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Once you’ve built the big machinery of political power, remember you won’t always be the one to run it.
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The idea of a stag hunt evokes chivalry – knights in jerkins and hose, ladies on sidesaddles with wimples and billowing dresses, a white stag symbolizing something-or-other, and Robin Hood getting in the way. An actual stag hunt is more like a horseback meeting of a county planning commission.
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There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as ‘caring’ and ‘sensitive’ because he wants to expand the government’s charitable programs is merely saying that he’s willing to try to do good with other people’s money.
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Political leaders are expert at saying nothing.
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I know quite a few fellow members of the news analysis and commentary business, and I have it from the highest-placed sources, on the record, that each and every one of our children is a genius.
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There isn’t much room for an outsider point of view in print any more.
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Teasing and a sense of humor, if you can develop that in your kids, and if you can exercise it with the kids, just makes for a pleasanter atmosphere.
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People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.
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Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
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Mikhail Gorbachev was the Jimmy Carter of the Communist bloc. The Russians hate him.
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You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.
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The world is being run by irresponsible spoiled brats.
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The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that’s the point.
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
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Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.
P. J. O'ROURKE