“Some people play the piano, some do Sudoku, some watch television, some people go out to dinner parties. I write books.”

I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn’t go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.

It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall.

Humanity would have plunged into a new dark age of absolutely frightening and appalling characteristics without Churchill.

I dont see why people are so snooty about Channel Five. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects

London is the sporting capital of the world. I say to the Chinese and I say to the world, ping pong is coming home.

I love tennis with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around.

There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge.

It just happens I write fast and always have done.

My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.

It hasn’t taken them long, they began by telling us they would have a positive and patriotic case and they’re back to project fear within minutes. There they go again they have nothing positive to say.

The Lib Dems are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition.

My ideal world is, we’re there, we’re in the EU, trying to make it better.

But if people want to swim in the Thames, if they want to take their lives into their own hands, then they should be able to do so with all the freedom and exhilaration of our woad-painted ancestors.

Volunteering is also now more crucial than ever in helping people find work.

I’m no communist. I’m a tax cutting Conservative. But I want a capitalism that is fairer to forgotten people.

I cant remember what my line on drugs is. Whats my line on drugs?