“Can I say anything good about Ken Livingstone? A long time ago he did some good things, but I can’t now remember what any of them were.”

Since January 1993 there have been 27 other countries not in the EU that have done better than the UK at exporting goods into the single market.

Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix and stay conscious.

They say he is shortly off to the Congo. No doubt the AK47s will fall silent, and the pangas will stop their hacking of human flesh, and the tribal warriors will all break out in Watermelon smiles to see the big white chief touch down in his big white British taxpayer-funded bird.

London is the sporting capital of the world. I say to the Chinese and I say to the world, ping pong is coming home.

There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge.

He thinks of himself as a gigantic keystone in the arch, with all the lesser stones logically induced to support his position. He has a kind of semi-ideology to go with it – a leftish Toryism: imperialist, romantic, but on the side of the working man.

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

I’m no communist.I’m a tax cutting Conservative. But I want a capitalism that is fairer to forgotten people.

It hasn’t taken them long, they began by telling us they would have a positive and patriotic case and they’re back to project fear within minutes. There they go again they have nothing positive to say.

The difference between Hitler’s speeches and Churchill’s speeches was that Hitler made you think he could do anything; Churchill made you think you could do anything.

You are part of our Great British family.

I have come to the conclusion that Tony Blair has finally gone mad … he made assertions that are so jaw-droppingly and breathtakingly at variance with reality that he surely needs professional psychiatric help.

My ideal world is, we’re there, we’re in the EU, trying to make it better.

The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP, they have run out of better ideas.

I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn’t go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.

It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall.