“I will leap into my grave laughing because the feeling that I have five million human beings on my conscience is for me a source of extraordinary satisfaction.”

Your time will come to follow me Jew

Repentance is for little children.

I am certain, however, that those responsible for the murder of millions of Germans will never be brought to justice.

Adolf Hitler may have been wrong all down the line, but one thing is beyond dispute: the man was able to work his way up from lance corporal in the German Army to Führer of a people of almost 80 million. His success alone proved that I should subordinate myself to this man.

From my childhood, obedience was something I could not get out of my system. When I entered the armed service at the age of twenty-seven, I found being obedient not a bit more difficult than it had been during my life to that point. It was unthinkable that I would not follow orders.

Long live Germany. Long live Austria. Long live Argentina. These are the countries with which I have been most closely associated and I shall not forget them. I had to obey the rules of war and my flag. I am ready.

I never did anything, great or small, without obtaining in advance express instructions from Adolf Hitler or any of my superiors.

I was one of the many horses pulling the wagon and couldn’t escape left or right because of the will of the driver.

My political sentiments inclined toward the left and emphasized the socialist aspects every bit as much as nationalist ones.

To sum it all up, I must say that I regret nothing.

Now that I look back, I realize that a life predicated on being obedient is a very comfortable life indeed. Living in such a way reduces to a minimum one’s own need to think.

If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that’s bigger than anything else.

It’s great to work with the people who make you laugh and who are funnier than I am.

Well, it’s a lot less dangerous – working with snakes and mountaibn lions and dangerous animals – than working in Hollywood [laughs]. Hollwood will kill you.

Laughing and crying are really similar – what happens to your body. It’s a very similar process in your diaphragm. Like a musician, you have to do your scales once in a while and warm up your voice.

Lily Tomlin…I used to watch reruns of Laugh-In and she was always my favorite part. She’s this very unique talent and the way she does things has been a very big influence on me.

My theory about comedians is that their greatest fear is other people laughing at them. So comedy is an attempt to control and manipulate the thing they find most frightening.

You can’t laugh and be angry, you can’t laugh and feel sad, you can’t laugh and feel envious.

Sometimes you’re not getting the laughs you want or at the place you want but that doesn’t mean it’s not funny. It means you haven’t explored it enough.