“One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.”

Comedy has to be done en clair. You can’t blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear.

Man is troubled by what might be called the Dog Wish, a strange and involved compulsion to be as happy and carefree as a dog.

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms -hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

A burden in the bush is worth two on your hands.

Somebody has said that woman’s place is in the wrong. That’s fine. What the wrong needs is a woman’s presence and a woman’s touch. She is far better equipped than men to set it right.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

I don’t believe the writer should know too much where he’s going. If he does, he runs into old man blueprint—old man propaganda.

All kinds of wonderful, rare animals will come to drink at the pool, and you will clearly see the nature of all things.

I don’t have a drinking problem ‘Cept when I can’t get a drink.

The piano has been drinking, not me.

Well I got a bad liver and broken heart, yeah, I drunk me a river since you tore me apart.

I used to drink a bottle of vodka a day, every day, for about 40 years and it never occurred to me it’d kill me.

Don’t you know there ain’t no devil, it’s just god when he’s drunk.

You must learn to drink the cup of life as it comes … without stirring it up from the bottom. That’s where the bitter dregs are!

Wake up early. Drink some juice, and eat well. Work hard. Be ambitious. Keep your priorities straight, your mind right, and your head up. Do well, live well, love well, and dress really well. Do what you love, love what you do. It is time to start living.