“When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.”

A beau is everything of a woman but the sex, and nothing of a man beside it.

Adversity is the trial of principle. Without it, a man hardly knows whether he is honest or not.

Never trust the man who has reason to suspect that you know he hath injured you.

What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh.

LOVE: A word properly applied to our delight in particular kinds of food; sometimes metaphorically spoken of the favorite objects of all our appetites.

The highest friendship must always lead us to the highest pleasure.

The greatest part of mankind labor under one delirium or another; and Don Quixote differed from the rest, not in madness, but the species of it. The covetous, the prodigal, the superstitious, the libertine, and the coffee-house politician, are all Quixotes in their several ways.

A man may go to heaven with half the pains it cost him to purchase hell.

No one hath seen beauty in its highest lustre who hath never seen it in distress.

We must eat to live, and not live to eat.

Wisdom is the talent of buying virtuous pleasures at the cheapest rate.

A wonder lasts but nine days, and then the puppy’s eyes are open.

The prudence of the best heads is often defeated by tenderness of the best hearts.

The life of a coquette is one constant lie; and the only rule by which you can form any correct judgment of them is that they are never what they seem.

The constant desire of pleasing which is the peculiar quality of some, may be called the happiest of all desires in this that it rarely fails of attaining its end when not disgraced by affectation.

There’s one fool at least in every married couple.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

But my deepest and most secret love belongs to the fair-haired and the blue-eyed, the bright children of life, the happy, the charming and the ordinary.

I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?

A man never knows exactly how the child of his brain will strike other people.

I applaud anything that can take a kid away from a PlayStation or a Gameboy. That is a miracle in itself.

I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I’ll always sign for a kid before an adult.

Chloroform unfit children. Show them the same mercy that is shown beasts that are no longer fit to live.

I kid around a lot, but pranks are not my best strength!