“You can’t start a diet in the middle of the week, that’s just stupid.”

I’m not paid to be a role model. I’m paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court.

It’s the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.

Being black or white isn’t an accomplishment. What you do with your life – or what you accomplish with your life – dictates what you should be proud of.

When I speak to kids I tell them, ‘Hey, you think your parents are a pain in the ass now, but they’re going to get smarter as you get older.’

I’d never buy my girl a watch… she’s already got a clock over the stove.

I don’t think of myself as giving interviews. I just have conversations. That gets me in trouble.

I just wish all these young black kids would realize how significant it is to stop acting a fool out there, killing each other, not getting their education. You know, people have died to put us in a situation to be successful.

You know it’s going to hell when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black.

Poor people cannot rely on the government to come to help you in times of need. You have to get your education. Then nobody can control your destiny.

Well, all I can say is that people know I’m not saying anything out of malice.

People say I eat a lot. I really don’t. More or less I just eat all the time.

You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.

Yeah Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn’t know anything about it personally but I’ve heard about it through the grapevine.

As long as anti-gay legislation exists in any state, I strongly believe big events such as the Final Four and Super Bowl should not be held in those states’ cities.

Curling is not a sport. I called my grandmother and told her she could win a gold medal because they have dusting in the Olympics now.

I read that heavy drinking is bad for your health. I decided I better stop reading.

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

I had a nice dinner. I let the evening unfold, flow. I like to sit in a chair with a wine glass. When I woke up, I thought, ‘Why didn’t I go to bed at 11?’ I came back at 3 and went to bed at 5.