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When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.

Zach Braff

If I had a billion dollars I would…oh wait…already do.
ZACH BRAFF

Billion Dollar Waiting
I’d like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it’s called. And that’s only when I’m having an off day.
ZACH BRAFF

Book Thinking Use
Yea, he’s alright…but he’s no Zach Braff.
ZACH BRAFF

Alright Exactly Fine Happy
You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.
ZACH BRAFF

Black Complaining People
Now, I’m not going to be misquoted on this like I have numerous times before, so I’ll be quite clear. I’ve never said hitler was my hero, just that if he had focused on more than one race he would have had the right idea. Try to turn that one against me.
ZACH BRAFF

Hero Idea Race
Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.
ZACH BRAFF

Eyebrows Fake Mean
If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn’t send me here just once.
ZACH BRAFF

Doe Exist God Reincarnation
The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.
ZACH BRAFF

Coke Enough Good Problem
Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.
ZACH BRAFF

Parking Spot Spots
The success of ‘Scrubs’ allowed me to pursue anything I felt passionately about without having to worry about money. It allowed me to spend my summer work shopping my show at a nonprofit theater.
ZACH BRAFF

Shopping Summer Worry
Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children’s hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?
ZACH BRAFF

Cancer Children Heart
Don’t get me started on cold toilet seats.
ZACH BRAFF

Cold Comfort Seat Toilet
Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter
ZACH BRAFF

Awful Guy Jesus
It’s always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone’s looking to me for guidance.
ZACH BRAFF

Group Guidance White
I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.
ZACH BRAFF

Baby Fighting Grieving
If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn’t really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it’s light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.
ZACH BRAFF

Dark Garden Light

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.

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When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.

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Popular Authors

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