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Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

Zach Braff

So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It’s like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn’t deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.
ZACH BRAFF

Country Men Running
If I had a billion dollars I would…oh wait…already do.
ZACH BRAFF

Billion Dollar Waiting
I donno, it’s not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.
ZACH BRAFF

Blind Ear Plugs
Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter
ZACH BRAFF

Awful Guy Jesus
I procrastinate so much and I get distracted by anything.
ZACH BRAFF

Anything Distracted Procrastinating
I’m a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don’t know the difference and, let’s face it, they aren’t going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon.
ZACH BRAFF

Differences Guy People
Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they’re all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn’t sway that way, you know?
ZACH BRAFF

Giving Hate Men Someday
Don’t get me started on cold toilet seats.
ZACH BRAFF

Cold Comfort Seat Toilet
When you’re the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there’s no one to call you on it. On Garden State I did different lines on every take, just making crap up. And it was great each time.
ZACH BRAFF

Directors Garden Line
I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.
ZACH BRAFF

Great Lithium Parent Relationship
My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors. My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages.
ZACH BRAFF

Children Job School
Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it’s in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.
ZACH BRAFF

Autograph Fake Ink Invisible Kids
I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own.
ZACH BRAFF

Hype Own Understood
It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It’s like denying the cure for polio or something.
ZACH BRAFF

Achievement Blow People
It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.
ZACH BRAFF

Horse Kryptonite Weak
Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They’re probably still hanging there.
ZACH BRAFF

Black People Tree

Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

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Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Zach Braff Quotes