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Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.

Zach Braff

I’d like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it’s called. And that’s only when I’m having an off day.
ZACH BRAFF

Book Thinking Use
It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.
ZACH BRAFF

Horse Kryptonite Weak
When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.
ZACH BRAFF

First Gay Guy Interest Realize Turn
I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.
ZACH BRAFF

Great Lithium Parent Relationship
Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she’s saying. Come on, she’s a woman. But still, it’s very cute.
ZACH BRAFF

Country Cute Give People
So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It’s like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man crap on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn’t deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years.
ZACH BRAFF

Country Men Running
I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.
ZACH BRAFF

Baby Fighting Grieving
The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.
ZACH BRAFF

Coke Enough Good Problem
The success of ‘Scrubs’ allowed me to pursue anything I felt passionately about without having to worry about money. It allowed me to spend my summer work shopping my show at a nonprofit theater.
ZACH BRAFF

Shopping Summer Worry
When you’re the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there’s no one to call you on it. On Garden State I did different lines on every take, just making crap up. And it was great each time.
ZACH BRAFF

Directors Garden Line
Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it’s in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.
ZACH BRAFF

Autograph Fake Ink Invisible Kids
Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter
ZACH BRAFF

Awful Guy Jesus
Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They’re probably still hanging there.
ZACH BRAFF

Black People Tree
The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I’ll tell you that much.
ZACH BRAFF

Cry Differences Real
Yea, he’s alright…but he’s no Zach Braff.
ZACH BRAFF

Alright Exactly Fine Happy
It’s hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.
ZACH BRAFF

Cute Fighting Hard

Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.

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Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.

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Popular Authors

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