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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

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