Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHTExperience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT