Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHTExperience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT