I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHTYou never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT