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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Steven Wright

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Money Thinking Worth Yourself
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Food Funny Myself Service Time
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Coffee Myself Time
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Literature Word
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Book Funny Myself Writing
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Discipline Funny Himself Person Time
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Death Myself Quote Right Talk Word
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Literature Word Wrong
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Crime Man Office Photograph Writing
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Experience Need Yourself
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Funny Herself Laughter Milk
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Heaven Hell Hot Rise Temperature Warm
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Devil Evil Fantasy Funny Taste True

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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