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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Steven Wright

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Friendship Gift Myself Sex
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Break Up Imagination Myself Relationship
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Eyes Myself Prescription Ran Walk
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Call Herself Home Light Myself Phone Woman
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Day Life Yourself
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Imagination Phone Weird Yourself
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Crime Man Office Photograph Writing
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Funny Hairs Stick
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Evolution Monkey Science
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Devil Evil Fantasy Funny Taste True
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Destroy Evidence Success Try Yourself
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Drive Learning Yourself
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Man Sad Yourself
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Literature Word Wrong
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Myself Quick Toy

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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