On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHTDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT