How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHTDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT