The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Clones are people two.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT