Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT