How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHTI was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT