I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT