Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT