It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
STEVEN WRIGHT