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STEVEN WRIGHTI’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT