You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT