Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT