The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT