I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT