When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Clones are people two.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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