Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT