My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT