I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT