I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT