I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHTI went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT