For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT