Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT