You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT