Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT