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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Drive Learning Yourself
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Heaven Hell Hot Rise Temperature Warm
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Identity Person Play Race
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Age Anxiety Funny Myself Time
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Attention Believe Himself Myself Sick
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Funny Mad Music Myself Night Play
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Appearance Imagination Phone Weird Yourself
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT

Angry Install Light Live Myself People
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Animal Flavor Food Funny
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Eyes Myself Prescription Ran Walk
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bad Conscience Memories
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT

Believe Funny Myself Police Reading See Stop Time
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Children Friendship Himself

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

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