Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT