If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT