Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT