My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Clones are people two.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT