Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHT