Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT