Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
STEVEN WRIGHT