What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD