With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD