Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD