This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. RODNEY DANGERFIELD EveryoneFruitLaughLoomMetMorningUnderwear
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AroundCameCarryFatherPictureWallet
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AlreadyAlwaysEyeGarbageKeepMeRidSheToldTryWife
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AllAntierChocolateCookGotMaeMouseStuckThroatWife
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BathHateParentRadioToastToy
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AnotherComeDayGirlHomeNobodyOverPhone
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BeingDoDrawMenMostThingToldWage
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette. RODNEY DANGERFIELD CigaretteGeneralMetOfferSurgeon
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AnotherCameCementFeltHandNeighborhoodRealSomeTough
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AskBirthBoyControlOnePosterYear
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. RODNEY DANGERFIELD EveryoneFruitHearMetMorningRidiculousUnderwearYet
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AfraidDarkLightMe NakedSawWife
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. RODNEY DANGERFIELD ComeDoorLifeMetNegligeeNightOtherSexyUnfortunately
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’ RODNEY DANGERFIELD BartenderBeatGodMakeMeUglyYeahZombie
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BeeButcherKidToldWife
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. RODNEY DANGERFIELD HalloweenKindLifeLookParentSent
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. RODNEY DANGERFIELD CountryDogEveryLeavePyramidRoomSome
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going. RODNEY DANGERFIELD ComeDrinkGoJuicePruneTakeViagra
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. RODNEY DANGERFIELD FatFoundLookOneOnlyOutPeopleWay
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. RODNEY DANGERFIELD CatCoverKeptMePlaySandboxUp
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. RODNEY DANGERFIELD CalendarDayGetJealousLookMayOtherRidiculousWantWife
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AsleepBlindDayFaceKidLibraryManOnePimplePlentyRaedWake
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AlwaysFoundKidMoveParent
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. RODNEY DANGERFIELD DogDrinkGlassKissLipMarriedStayToughWife
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BackCarDriveWantWife
