My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER