I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






