It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER