Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






