I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG






