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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Mitch Hedberg

I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Home Humor
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG

Alcohol Funny Humor Wait Wine
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Clever Funny Witty
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dream Hate Sleep
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG

Cloud Stupidity Wrong
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG

Eat Funny Humor Lake
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Humor
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drunk Funny Humor Mess
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG

Depression Funny Sports Wall
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Friendship Funny Humor
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Missing
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

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