One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERGOne time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERGI hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERGI’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG