I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG