On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERSOn her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERSI was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERSJust remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERSI said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERSI’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERSMy mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERSFlorida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERSYour anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERSI wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSWe all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSMoving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERSA Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERSGrandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERSI succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS