I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERSThank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERS