On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSThank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERS