Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
JOAN RIVERSThank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS