I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERSI have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Better laid than never.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS