“A false or misunderstood word may create as much disaster as a sudden thoughtless act.”

Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man.

A pinch of probability is worth a pound of perhaps.

Looks can be deceiving; it’s eating that’s believing.

I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night.

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.

I always begin at the left with the opening word of the sentence and read toward the right and I recommend this method.

Comedy has to be done en clair. You can’t blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear.

Man is troubled by what might be called the Dog Wish, a strange and involved compulsion to be as happy and carefree as a dog.

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.

The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms -hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

A burden in the bush is worth two on your hands.

Somebody has said that woman’s place is in the wrong. That’s fine. What the wrong needs is a woman’s presence and a woman’s touch. She is far better equipped than men to set it right.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

I don’t like reverse-angle shots – I find them very fake and very untruthful to the viewer.

Roxy Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award. I’m going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig.

People who don’t know anything tend to make up fake rules, the real rules being considerably more difficult to learn.

I would rather wear honest tears than the most beautiful and elaborately faked smile.

On the breast of that huge Mississippi of falsehood called History, a foam-bell more or less is no consequence.

Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf means who’s afraid of the big bad wolf, who’s afraid of living life without false illusions.

Obviously a fake Kyp. You distract him. I’ll shoot him under the table.” Han (to Leia)

The most seditious is the most cowardly.