Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
GROUCHO MARXMilitary justice is to justice what military music is to music.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
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My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
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All geniuses die young.
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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
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Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
GROUCHO MARX