One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
GEORGE CARLINJust when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
More George Carlin Quotes
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN -
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
GEORGE CARLIN -
It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
GEORGE CARLIN -
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
GEORGE CARLIN -
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN