My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS






