I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS