I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
-
-
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS -
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS -
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS -
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS -
One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPS -
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPS -
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS -
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
EMO PHILIPS -
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPS -
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS -
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS -
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS