My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
-
-
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS -
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS -
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
EMO PHILIPS -
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS -
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS -
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS -
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS -
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS -
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPS -
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPS -
I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS -
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS