I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS






