I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPSI love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS