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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

Emo Philips

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS

Forever Myself Mystery Reminder
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPS

Family Finding Move Myself
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPS

Appreciation Life Praise School Woman Yourself
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS

Calm Electricity Myself Work
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive Interview Myself Page Strange
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS

Business Call Mindset Myself Name Neck
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS

Appointment Calendar Mom Myself
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive People Silence Tough
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPS

Home Myself Parents Rule Strict
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPS

Comedy See Television Way Woman Yourself
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPS

Magazine Myself News Nude Stand
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS

Devil Murder Oneself Time Tough
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPS

Hate Imitation People Yourself
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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