If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS