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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS

Eyes Man Myself Relationship
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Hands Magic Myself People Power Raise
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS

Difference Make Up Myself Notice Pay Return
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
EMO PHILIPS

Best Horror Myself Possible Teaching Thinking Way
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS

Future Government Myself Weapon
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Conscience Law Myself Universe
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS

Angry Buy Period Wait Weapon
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive Interview Myself Page Strange
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS

Item Language Learning Luxury Myself
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS

Drop Food Funny Myself Relationship Spoon
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Lesson Money Myself Teaching Walk Wallet
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS

Class Limitation Move Myself Reason
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS

Alone Myself Night Sleep Thankful
I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS

Life Myself Please Reality Win
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Blank Children Love Myself School Watch

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

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