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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Emo Philips

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPS

Hit Myself Pick Yourself
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPS

Away Construction Day Myself Walk
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS

Myself Organ Thinking Wonderful
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPS

Beach Love Myself Rock Sound
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Deal Myself Snow Time
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS

Excitement Myself Parents Protection Road Street
I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPS

Evolution Goodness Myself Thankful
I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS

Life Myself Please Reality Win
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Myself Name
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS

Devil Murder Oneself Time Tough
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS

Confession Myself Scare
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPS

Business Call Mindset Myself Name Neck
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive People Silence Tough
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS

Battle Enemy Sex Sleep
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Blank Children Love Myself School Watch

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Emo Philips Quotes