One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSOne man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSThe American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPSProbably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPSI used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPSYou know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPSI love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPSMy ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPSI told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPSAlways remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPSI used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPSIf an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPS