When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSComputers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS