New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPSComputers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
EMO PHILIPS