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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

Emo Philips

New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPS

Black Hands Myself Purpose Wife
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS

Appointment Calendar Mom Myself
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPS

Hate Imitation People Yourself
The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPS

Comedy See Television Way Woman Yourself
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPS

Competition Decision Magic Theory
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS

Devil Murder Oneself Time Tough
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPS

Career Hypocrisy Myself Woman
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS

Difference Make Up Myself Notice Pay Return
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS

Leather Morning Worth
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS

Future Government Myself Weapon
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Built Character Combination Myself Nature Understand
My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPS

Eyes Man Myself Relationship
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS

Charge Devil Herself Himself Lesson Thinking
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS

Bed Best Friendship Myself Wife
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

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