I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPS