I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPS