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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Emo Philips

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS

Achievement Allowance Beach Myself
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
EMO PHILIPS

Friendship Myself Surgery
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS

Class Limitation Move Myself Reason
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS

Alcohol Drink Myself Night
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS

Alone Myself Night Sleep Thankful
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPS

Forgiveness God Myself Steal Work
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPS

Beach Love Myself Rock Sound
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS

Freedom Medicine Money Myself Stand
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Myself Name
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPS

Bed Best Friendship Myself Wife
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPS

Caress Head Myself Night Respond
I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
EMO PHILIPS

Hit Myself Pick Yourself
People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS

Concern Myself People Reproduction
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS

Forever Myself Mystery Reminder

My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

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Popular Authors

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