Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELLThe voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
More Dave Attell Quotes
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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL -
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
DAVE ATTELL -
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELL -
There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.
DAVE ATTELL -
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL -
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL -
I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL -
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL -
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
DAVE ATTELL -
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
DAVE ATTELL