I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELLThe voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
More Dave Attell Quotes
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
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I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
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Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
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I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
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I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
DAVE ATTELL