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I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

Dave Attell

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
DAVE ATTELL

Girlfriend Said Sometimes
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELL

Country Kids Pardon People
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELL

Imagination Life Reality Watch
I’m not like a performer type.
DAVE ATTELL

Like Performers Type
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELL

Loce Stuff Television
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL

Alright Chair Enough Worse
I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
DAVE ATTELL

Besides Comedy Comic Doing Plus
I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
DAVE ATTELL

Birthday Daughter Party
ltimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can’t get you laid. It’s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Championship Suiter Unneeded
I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL

Cause Scarier
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
DAVE ATTELL

Annoy Parent Voice Writing
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELL

Discovery Funny Running
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Kind Lonely Road
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
DAVE ATTELL

Comedy Confidence Jobs Thinking
I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL

Famous never Wanted

I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

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I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

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