I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELLWhen I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
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My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
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I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
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Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin’ out. He’s like ‘the electric chair? That’s too good for these people. That’s too good for them’.
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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
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Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
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I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL