Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELLAspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELLI’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELLA joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
DAVE ATTELLMy cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
DAVE ATTELLWhen I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
DAVE ATTELLI have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELLMen are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
DAVE ATTELLThe voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
DAVE ATTELLI’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
DAVE ATTELLI don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
DAVE ATTELLSo, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
DAVE ATTELLI don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
DAVE ATTELLThe more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELLIs she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELLSex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
DAVE ATTELLI don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL