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I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

Dave Attell

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
DAVE ATTELL

Ejaculation Funny Humor
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELL

Family Generations Guy
Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
DAVE ATTELL

Cuddling Funny Humor
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
DAVE ATTELL

Laughing Question Sound Tendency Watches
I never do any magic. You just can’t go around walking, “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising.
DAVE ATTELL

Come Home Some Stupid Surprising
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Giving Humor
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELL

Loce Stuff Television
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
DAVE ATTELL

Everyone Funny Humor Laughter
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
DAVE ATTELL

Animal Country Men Sex Sick
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELL

Country Kids Pardon People
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
DAVE ATTELL

Actors Choices Matter Specials
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
DAVE ATTELL

Happened Long People Show Tattoo
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELL

Comic Jokes Tell
I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL

Reality Television Tell Watches Work

I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

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I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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