The voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
DAVE ATTELLSo, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELL -
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
DAVE ATTELL -
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL -
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
DAVE ATTELL -
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
DAVE ATTELL -
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL -
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
DAVE ATTELL -
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL -
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL -
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELL