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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Dave Attell

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELL

Imagination Life Reality Watch
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
DAVE ATTELL

Laughing Mean People
I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
DAVE ATTELL

Before Love Running Sitting Thinking
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
DAVE ATTELL

Actors Choices Matter Specials
I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
DAVE ATTELL

Birthday Daughter Party
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL

Lot Soundtracks Stuff
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
DAVE ATTELL

Cuddling Funny Humor
I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL

Reality Television Tell Watches Work
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELL

Loce Stuff Television
I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL

Famous never Wanted
ltimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can’t get you laid. It’s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Championship Suiter Unneeded
I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
DAVE ATTELL

Crowds Laughing Mind Show
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
DAVE ATTELL

Ejaculation Funny Humor
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL

Alright Chair Enough Worse

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

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Popular Authors

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