I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELLI hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
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ltimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can’t get you laid. It’s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
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I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
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I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
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Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
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I’m not like a performer type.
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Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin’ out. He’s like ‘the electric chair? That’s too good for these people. That’s too good for them’.
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I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
DAVE ATTELL






