Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELLI’m not like a performer type.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
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I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
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ltimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can’t get you laid. It’s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
DAVE ATTELL






