I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELLI never wanted to be famous.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
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I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
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Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
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I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
DAVE ATTELL