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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.

Dave Attell

A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
DAVE ATTELL

Laughing Mean People
I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL

Famous never Wanted
My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
DAVE ATTELL

Comedy Confidence Jobs Thinking
I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL

Cause Scarier
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL

Great Writers Joyce
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
DAVE ATTELL

Both Funny Humor Murder Sex
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELL

Discovery Funny Running
I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
DAVE ATTELL

Besides Comedy Comic Doing Plus
There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Giving Humor
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELL

Family Generations Guy
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Humor Rhinos Strap
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELL

Country Kids Pardon People
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL

Alright Chair Enough Worse
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
DAVE ATTELL

Ejaculation Funny Humor

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.

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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.

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Popular Authors

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