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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

Dave Attell

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
DAVE ATTELL

Dad Funny Hate Travel
I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
DAVE ATTELL

Besides Comedy Comic Doing Plus
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Kind Lonely Road
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Humor Rhinos Strap
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL

Great Writers Joyce
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
DAVE ATTELL

Girlfriend Said Sometimes
I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL

Cause Scarier
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELL

Imagination Life Reality Watch
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
DAVE ATTELL

Annoy Parent Voice Writing
I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL

Reality Television Tell Watches Work
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
DAVE ATTELL

Everyone Funny Humor Laughter
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
DAVE ATTELL

Both Funny Humor Murder Sex
Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
DAVE ATTELL

Cuddling Funny Humor
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
I’m not like a performer type.
DAVE ATTELL

Like Performers Type

I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

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Popular Authors

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