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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

Dave Attell

There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Giving Humor
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELL

Aspirin Funny Hookers Humor
I never do any magic. You just can’t go around walking, “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising.
DAVE ATTELL

Come Home Some Stupid Surprising
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL

Great Writers Joyce
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
DAVE ATTELL

Both Funny Humor Murder Sex
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL

Celebrity Stars Thinking
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin’ out. He’s like ‘the electric chair? That’s too good for these people. That’s too good for them’.
DAVE ATTELL

Capital Car Electric Punishment Scare Talking
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
DAVE ATTELL

Baby Cousin Funny
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL

Alright Chair Enough Worse
ltimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can’t get you laid. It’s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Championship Suiter Unneeded
I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
DAVE ATTELL

Birthday Daughter Party
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELL

Comic Jokes Tell
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
DAVE ATTELL

Animal Country Men Sex Sick
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL

Lot Soundtracks Stuff

I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

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Popular Authors

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